"Semper Fi, Do or Die..."

Today is the 235th Marine Corps birthday.

While this is a huge celebratory occasion, it does remind me of November 10, 2004 and how I spent the 229th Marine Corps birthday...

It had been weeks since I last talked to my husband at this point.  I was starting to lose my composure, assuming I had any to begin with, given the situation in Iraq at that time.  Operation Phantom Fury was encompassing the newswire.  Everywhere I turned, it was right there in my face.  Reminding me what could happen.

Third Marine Regiment had saved us a table at the Marine Corps Birthday Ball that year; the dreaded "deployed spouses table".  Sequestering us from the rest of the Regimental Marines, and keeping us contained in our hell.  My friend Mary and I vehemently opposed attending this parading of us and our vulnerabilities in front of the Regimental Marines and their dates/spouses.

Instead, Mary and I went to Waikiki.  I wore my trusty heather grey USMC t-shirt, to properly represent my allegiance on this most important days.  Because of the situation and the loneliness and fear that was all-consuming at that time, being with another wife who was feeling the same way as I made things feel marginally better.

Mary and I went to an obscure restaurant off of Kalakaua Avenue for late-night pancakes, removing ourselves from the chaotic nature of our lives at that time.  Afterward, we sat on Waikiki Beach, reflecting on that place in our lives.

Mary was miserable, as was I.  We just wanted to float away on the water and be done with it all, but we had to endure, just like our husbands did.  There were a lot of us who were having trouble in our marriages before the deployment even started, which was only further compounded by the stress of this combat-heavy deployment.  My immaturity at the tender age of 20 didn't help things.  Alas, I had to be an adult and try to deal, but there is no "dealing" with something like this.

Everyone I know who went through that pump with 1/3 is still fucked up, in one way or another, Casey and me included.  I look at happy pictures of all of us on Facebook, or in my photo albums, and we look happy.  I know that beyond those smiles and fun times lies something within our souls that will resonate for the rest of our lives.  The Marine Corps birthday will open that wound all over again, every year.  Fortunately, this is overshadowed by the immense pride of being married to one of the infantrymen Marines who participated in this generation's Hue City.

By dusk on November 10, Battalion 1/3 had seized the Mujahereen Mosque north of Fran and halted to observe the Marine Corps birthday, an annual ritual observed at thousands of balls around the world. In a formal service steeped in tradition, Sergeant Major Michael Berg had the army psyops Humvees play the Marine Corps hymn over their loudspeakers while he cut a slice of pound cake from an MRE and presented it to the youngest Marine. As he did so, insurgents fired a brace of RPGs.

"Shut those bastards up!" Berg yelled.

Over two hundred rifles and machine guns blazed away for several seconds.

"Cease fire!" Berg yelled.

The battlefield went silent.

"That's more like it," Berg said. "Continue with the ceremony." 

(Credit: Bing West's "No True Glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle for Fallujah")

From Casey, 28 November 2004 via USPS:
I have to look at my watch to see what day of the week or month it is. All the days run together. I don't even know how long we have been out here. It's starting to come up on a month straight. We really have no word on when we are getting out of here. Only that it is soon. Hopefully. The days all run together, the only mental concept I have of time is whether the sun is up or down. I can't wait to come home. I just want to be with you...

"If my heart can talk, it will not stop."

"If my heart can talk, it will not stop."

Today is election day, as well as the second day of November.  In five days, it will again be the anniversary of Fallujah.  Of course, it annually conjures up memories...

In 2004, on election night, it had been many days since I last talked to my husband.  On the 30th of October, we suffered a devastating loss when a suicide bomber attacked a convoy and lost seven eight Marines. (I find it sad that I can't even recall the exact number of men lost at times because it happened so often during this time; not necessarily with 1/3, but altogether with all four Marine battalions in Fallujah during that time -- the article says seven, but it was actually eight).  We found out on Halloween that year about it.  I was sitting downstairs with my landlords passing out candy to trick-or-treaters when Mary called me to tell me about the loss (from the Key Volunteer Network, she passed information to us before it hit the newswire).  At that time, it was the single largest loss of life since the war began.  Sadly, 1/3 trumped that one again in January when the CH-53e helicopter went down and took 31 Marines and Navy corpsmen with it.

With all of those feelings so fresh on election day 2004, and with the climate surrounding us at the time, the election seemed so important.  I sat with my friends next door, Michelle and Tony (who was also a Marine with 3rd Radio BN) and watched the elections results coming in.  It had been at least a week since I last heard from Casey and everything was so vague; he couldn't tell me much about what was going on.  I knew that he had more information than he was letting on.  It pained me to know so little about their actions over there.  What he could have told me, I don't know.  There was scuttlebutt in the news about the "major offensive" coming up in Fallujah, but I didn't even know he was near Fallujah.  It was such a volatile time and so heartwrenching.  That first loss, of those seven eight Marines, set the tone and put us all in a constant state of angst.

Can you imagine wanting your husband to receive a non-life-threatening wound so he would be sent home and be safe because you were that scared he was going to die?  

That is what started right then, and it didn't stop until well into 2005.  There is some immense guilt that comes with feelings like that.  I still feel horrible about ever feeling that way, ever wishing he would get injured so that he could come back seems like the worst thing I could have felt, or wanted.  I am ashamed of it, but that is the truth.  That is just how terrified we all were.  I was not the only wife who felt this way.  I was not the only wife who silently wished this, and I am sure I am not the only one who feels damaged because of how severely we wanted our husbands home safely.

So, although we've had several elections since 2004, for some reason I am feeling very pensive about things this year.  Perhaps it's because I am actually getting people to listen to me about Peralta's MOH nomination and travesty of our system that it has become...or perhaps it's because it's November, again.

The month of November conjures up these memories, without fail, every single year.  I have come to appreciate the power of getting those memories out, even if it is just to this web space.

"Death before dishonor..."

"Death before dishonor..."

Since Sgt. Rafael Peralta was denied the Medal of Honor in 2008, I have been one of many people hassling politicians about the situation, and the urgency to elevate his posthumous award from the Navy Cross to his originally nominated Medal of Honor.  After politicians nominated him for the award, after the 1st Marine Division Commander said "without a shadow of a doubt" he believed there was willful intent on Peralta's part to give his life to save the other Marines in the room with him, Defense Secretary Robert Gates denied Sergeant Rafael Peralta the Medal of Honor.  Instead, Peralta posthumously received the Navy Cross, which it is reported that Peralta's mother Rosa refused, standing firm in her position

In the event you are unfamiliar with the situation, here is a brief recap...

On 15 November 2004, 1st Battalion 3rd Marines were participating in Operation Phantom Fury in the city of Fallujah, Iraq.  As anyone over the age of 25 will recall, it was a huge ordeal and the battle was blanketing the international news agencies.  It dominated the US's media, newspapers, etc.  Operation Phantom Fury officially began on 7 November 2004.

Although rightpundits.com is an extremely right-wing, partisan website, it did turn out an excellent article on Peralta's sacrifice:

He was a sergeant in Company A, 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment for “Operation Dawn”, the November offensive that re-took the Iraqi city of Fallujah, which had become a safe haven for terrorists. What Rafael did on November 15, 2004 was an act of selfless sacrifice and faithfulness to his fellow Marines and his country.

This is what heroism looks like:

Sergeant Peralta was age 25 years old. He and his family moved to San Diego from Tiajuana when he was a teenager. He joined the Marines the day after he got his green card and earned his citizenship while in uniform. He was fiercely loyal to the Corps and took pride in its traditions. While in Kuwait, waiting to go into Iraq, he had his camouflage uniform sent out to be pressed.

He constantly looked for opportunities to help his Marine brothers, which is why he ended up where he was on November 15th. A week into the battle for Fallujah, the Marines were still doing the deadly work of clearing the city of terrorist vermin, house by house. As a platoon scout, Peralta didn’t have to go out with the assault team that day. He volunteered to go.

The Marines entered a house and kicked in the doors of two rooms that proved empty. But there was another closed door to an adjoining room. It was unlocked, and Peralta, in the lead, opened it. He was immediately hit with AK-47 fire in his face and upper torso by three insurgents. He fell out of the way into one of the cleared rooms to give his fellow Marines a clear shot at the enemy. During the firefight, a yellow fragmentation grenade flew out of the room, landing near Peralta and several fellow Marines. The uninjured Marines tried to scatter out of the way, two of them trying to escape the room, but were blocked by a locked door. At that point, barely alive, Peralta grabbed the grenade and cradled it to his body.

His body took most of the blast. One Marine was seriously injured, but the rest sustained only minor shrapnel wounds. Corporal Brannon Dyer told a reporter from the Army Times, “He saved half my fire team.”

After an investigation, a decision by Defense Secretary Robert Gates to reject a Marine Corps recommendation that Rafael receive the Medal of Honor has angered Marines who say he sacrificed his life to save theirs.

A Gates-appointed panel unanimously concluded that the report on Peralta’s action that included the testimony of marines who were eyewitnesses to Peralta’s heroism, did not meet the standard of “no margin of doubt or possibility of error,” Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman said.

The argument seems to be about whether a mortally wounded Marine could have intentionally reached for the grenade after suffering a serious head wound. 

I suppose the Pentagon believes that Rafael, as he was falling to the ground – dead – had an involuntary movement that saw that grenade, extended out his arm, and scooped it up under his body to protect his brothers. Amazing!

The decision is “almost like somebody called me a liar,” said Marine Sergeant Nicholas Jones who was with Rafael that day and saw what happened. Jones said Peralta’s actions have become part of Marine Corps lore, as drill sergeants and officer-candidate instructors repeat it to new Marines to this day.

“His name is definitely synonymous with valor,” said Jones, who himself was wounded by the grenade blast.

The congressional delegation, spearheaded by Rep. Duncan Hunter, sent a letter asking President Bush for a review and reconsideration of the case of Sergeant Rafael Peralta receiving the Medal of Honor.

Incredible heroism in battle happens. We hear stories about it alot. The courageous human spirit and sacrificing oneself so others may live are core values in war demonstrated by Sergeant Peralta. It is clear that he wasn’t dead – yet. This young man, who enlisted in the Marines when he received his green card, who volunteered for the front line duty in Fallujah, who loved being with his marine brothers, had one last act of heroism in him.

President Bush, we have watched you with them over the years. You love our military and know their sacrifice. Though the Navy Cross is our second highest award for combat bravery, give this marine the Medal of Honor. How can we not? (Source)

After two years of writing, two years of being an overall pain-in-the-ass, I finally heard from one of Oregon's federal representatives Friday.  Being an election year, I thought this would be a good time to write these politicians, again.  The following was relayed to me via email on the Sgt. Peralta Medal of Honor issue:

Sergeant Rafael Peralta's bravery exemplifies the best of the Marine Corps. His willingness to sacrifice his life to save fellow Marines cannot be questioned. After reading your letter, I learned that the Secretary of the Navy did award Sergeant Peraltathe second highest award for valor, the Navy Cross. In addition, the Department of Defense did consider Sergeant Peralta for the Medal of Honor, but concluded the standard for the highest award was not met. I agree with you that Sergeant Peralta's actions seem to merit the Medal of Honor, but I am hesitant to subject decisions on posthumous awards to political scrutiny. It's just not the place for politics.

The most pertinent quotes are in bold, with the finale underlined.  So, if this is not the "place for politics," then where is?  Tell me, Mr. DeFazio, is this just a laziness thing, or is this issue not important to you?

While Art Robinson isn't any better for District #4, DeFazio will not be garnering my vote either.  What is with our elected representatives picking and choosing what matters to them and not what matters to their constituents?

My resolve has never been stronger, though, and I will continue to write and email and call all the politicians I can.  I will not give up, not until Peralta's Medal of Honor is made right or I am dead, whichever comes first.

If this matters to you, do something about and write your politicians.  Do not waste your time signing one of those pathetic online petitions, which do absolutely nothing except occupy space on the internet and make the signed feel better, Snopes has cleared that one up for all.

Sergeant Rafael Peralta deserves so much more than our federal government has given him.  Stand up for him and the rest of the "bastard children of 1/3," the forgotten heroes, and tell your politicians this situation is a grotesque miscarriage of our system.  Make it right.

Keep in mind, of the seven Medal of Honor nominations that have made it to our asshat Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, ONLY Peralta's nomination was denied.  Interesting, don't you think?

"Tears are words the heart can't say..."

"Tears are words the heart can't say..."

I haven't written in here in a very long time, but it's almost November, again.  And I am feeling as pensive as I always am this time of the year.  It never goes by without my marking it in some way or another.

I feel like I am "healed," whatever that means.  I still think about that ten months all the time, at least once every day, but it is not with the kind of heartache it was before.  I know many of the wives hurt during that time have been mended, as well.  I think this is the most comforting part of all, knowing these amazing women have been able to repair their hearts, that convinces me it's time to move on and not let this deployment govern me and my emotions any longer.

I haven't written over the last several months because of many things.  My husband is back from deployment and has been since early this year and I have been working and schooling all that time, full-time plus some.  That has limited time for jotting my feelings, though I feel much better when I get the time to write.  And although things have been busy, I have still thought about everyone and everything.  In fact, I'll be thinking about 2004-2005 and its trials and tribulations, and I'll remember something from that deployment that I had forgotten.

So, with all that said, where do I go from here?  What is next?
7 November is less than a month away...and will I feel "healed" then?

It's been awhile since I last updated.  Things have been, well, chaotic to say the least.
Re-acclimating after a deployment is time consuming, especially with work and school pitched in there. 
I will get back to this as soon as I can, I promise.

"Forever until the end..."

"Forever until the end..."

I let the month of November go by without a post to commemorate the month's heartache and tragedy.  I thought about it everyday, but was, at times, too enthralled with it all to verbalize the feelings.  The month has passed now, and we are in December.

This means, the five-year anniversary of Phantom Fury has passed with it.  It's ironic, my husband seems better than ever, but I am still consumed with some of it.  However, now concluding his last deployment to the region, I am much better than before he left.  Before he left, I was on the edge of my nerves all the time -- regardless of the rational fact that violence in Iraq and the region in Iraq with which he was returning to had been largely curbed since Phantom Fury ended.  It still felt like he was returning to hell.  I was still petrified, even though I knew he would be fine.

From Casey, 25 November 2004 via USPS:
Hey sweetie, it is Thanksgiving today.  We got a Thanksgiving meal brought out to us.  

Casey would later tell me that this was the best meal of his life.  One of these days, I'll scan the pictures from that time into my computer and upload them.  His smile is from ear-to-ear with a plateful of food, mashed potatoes, turkey, cranberry sauce, the whole nine.

From Casey, 26 November 2004 via USPS:
It's been cold here, but at least we have some things to deal with the cold weather.  We sent some Marines from our platoon into downtown Fallujah to "liberate" some blankets from abandoned houses to help.  

With the passing of November passed the five-year anniversary of Sgt. Rafael Peralta's selfless sacrifice for his brothers on 15 November 2004.  Hopefully, those that know of Sgt. Peralta's sacrifice did not let the day go by blindly.  And hopefully they are not giving up the fight for his most well-deserved Congressional Medal of Honor.  Write your congressional men and women, they are supposed to be representing our concerns, but yet seem to fail to do so on a grand scale.  I have been rebuffed by many, and ignored, yet I will persevere, and I hope those that care about the cause and Sgt. Peralta's memory will do the same.

We cannot forget all that was sacrificed, all that they did for us. 

"Make me feel."

"Make me feel."

This third deployment of ours is complete. As this homecoming has come and gone, I remember the months leading up to our reunion after Fallujah...

Of course, this deployment was nothing in comparison to our 2004-2005 Iraq deployment. Nothing. In fact, as horrible as it sounds, I am not sure how I feel about this reunion. I don't feel like I "earned" it. There was no struggle (aside from my obligations at our Family Readiness Coordinator). No sacrifice (except the distance and time apart), no scares, no combat, no combat injuries or casualties. Don't get me wrong, I am very, very grateful that our (hopefully) last deployment was so quiet and calm (God knows we spent nearly eleven months in absolute misery with our last), but I have to wonder -- am I so jaded that I cannot properly appreciate a "normal" deployment without strife and heartache? We "worked" so hard for our reunion in 2005. We had to motivate each other to keep it together, even when our husband's comrades were being killed left and right. We had to motivate each other to be positive and to pray and to hang in there. There was none of that this time around. No tearful prayers, no sleepless nights worried about what's happening...nothing except uncomfortable distance, and a few interesting medical situations, that were dealt with just fine in his absence.

The worst of this deployment was Marine drama and Marines lying to their families about what was really going on over there. You know the type: the ones who feel so insecure about what they haven't done while in the military they feel the need to inflate their past experiences. A Marine in this company claimed to have been in Fallujah in front of my husband and myself. Of course, the problems within the story were realized immediately. The only deployment this unit has made to the Global War on Terror (aside from the one just completed) was in Spring 2005, far after the battle of Fallujah had commenced, and said Marine has spent his Marine Corps career with this unit (save for training elsewhere). Considering the toll that battle took on us (actually, the entire deployment in general), it was like a knife to the chest. The wound went deep and burned strong. So many lives were irreparably changed during that time; most for the worst. And while my cost wasn't as much as some of my fellow 1/3 families suffered, the effects of a nearly one-year-long, extremely dangerous deployment were serious, severe, and long-term...this will be expounded further in my next entry. I am veering too far from where I had begun. It's like pulling on a string that never stops dropping. I pull out one memory and more and more, that I had tucked away, out of sight, locked away tight, come pouring out.

We had been jerked around about the homecoming date for months and months (since December) and had a hard time believing that it would actually come to fruition this time.

__________________________________

1 December 2004 -- Department of Defense Announces Troop Extensions for Iraq

Today the Secretary of Defense approved a request by the Commander of Multi-National Forces-Iraq (MNF(I)) to extend two Army brigades and a Marine Expeditionary Unit operating in Iraq. The Secretary also approved the Commanders request for two additional infantry battalions to deploy to Iraq.

General George Casey, Commander, MNF-I, requested the extension of the units, as they are the most experienced and best-qualified forces to sustain the momentum of post-Fallujah operations and to provide for additional security for the upcoming elections, in conjunction with the Iraqi Security forces.

The United States Armys 2^nd Brigade, 25^th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, the 2^nd Brigade 1^st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas and the United States Marine Corps 31^st Marine Expeditionary Unit, Okinawa, Japan, will be extended beyond their current rotation dates. This extension also includes the 66^th Transportation Company, Kleber Kasern, Germany. The length of extension varies between the units. Two battalions from the 82^nd Airborne Division will deploy to Iraq for an anticipated duration of approximately 120 days to support security efforts during the election period.

This approved request adds an additional 1,500 active duty soldiers, and extends approximately 10,400 active duty combat forces, which includes 2,300 Marines from the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit off of the ESSEX Expeditionary Strike Group. This extension is in conjunction with the current force rotation, and will increase the U. S. forces in theater from 17 to 20 brigades, increasing the force size in Iraq to approximately 150,000 personnel during the election period.

__________________________________

When advance party came back, that was when my beloved friend Judy's husband came back to her. It was about three weeks before the main body of 1/3 returned. Joleene, Judy, and I had been comrades throughout the entire pump, so we were not going to miss her reunion with Ricky. Not for anything. ADVON coming home was what made it real for the rest of us, it was what reminded us our reunion would be there soon.

The planes for ADVON were scheduled to come into the Honolulu International Airport fairly early in the morning. Joleene and I had made plans to ride together. I hadn't been up that early since before the deployment began, back when Casey was regularly home and had to be at base by 0600. It reminded me of the days when things were simpler between him and I. It reminded me of the days when I would make him coffee and breakfast and we'd sit and watch the early morning news together over morning coffee. Then I'd take him to base and drop him off. The photo at the left is just off of Joleene's street on MCBH. We would meet at her place and then head off to do whatever the day had in store for us most days, but this day was really special.

__________________________________

KANEOHE MARINES
RETURN FROM IRAQ

---

FL MORRIS / FMORRIS@STARBULLETIN.COM
Sgt. Juan Inzunza kissed his wife, Rosa, as he held his sons, Juan Jr. and Alonso, and daughter Samantha waited her turn. About 500 Marines returned home from Iraq yesterday, including 400 from the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment.

"This was the toughest and the longest," Olivares said of his three deployments. "It's good to be back and not worry about being shot at or dodging IEDs (improvised explosive devices)."

Last July, more than 900 members of the 1st Battalion left the Windward Oahu base on what was supposed to be a routine seven-month deployment to Okinawa.

A month later, the Kaneohe unit was ordered to Iraq as the all-important ground combat element of the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit, and participated in the bloodiest campaigns of the current Iraqi war.

Patterson said the 1st Battalion will be given the next 30 days off, but "then the unit will return to its training cycle, and sometime in December they will be sent to Afghanistan."

During the 1st Battalion's extended deployment, 250 of its Marines were injured in combat and accidents. The unit earned 157 Purple Heart medals and one of its Marines, Sgt. Rafael Peralta, could be awarded the Medal of Honor for using his body to shield his squad from a grenade during the Fallujah campaign.

____________________________________________

AN EMOTIONAL REUNION AT KANEOHE

DENNIS ODA / DODA@STARBULLETIN.COM A "Welcome Home & Reunion" ceremony was held yesterday at Marine Corps Base Hawaii in Kaneohe for the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines who fought in Iraq. After the emotional ceremony, Nancy Byrd, whose son Lance Cpl. John Thomas Byrd II was killed in the war, visited with commanding officer Col. Jeffrey Patterson.

Families join with
bonds of brothers

A ceremony marks the tearful
and joyful return of Marines

The 229th Marine Corps Birthday, Five Years Later.

The following is an excerpt from Bing West's book, "No True Glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle for Fallujah".  As you will recall, Casey was a part of 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines (1/3) from 2002-2006.  This story makes me beam with pride and was carried around the battalion, long before Bing West got wind of it or decided to write his piece on it.

Although I love this part of "No True Glory", West's book on Fallujah was more of a book about 3/1, which was rather dismaying to the three other major units of Marines who participated equally in that fight.  Nevertheless, this excerpt articulates the pride that we felt as spouses of these Marines of 1/3 during this time.
 

"The city's on fire..."

By dusk on November 10, Battalion 1/3 had seized the Mujahereen Mosque north of Fran and halted to observe the Marine Corps birthday, an annual ritual observed at thousands of balls around the world. In a formal service steeped in tradition, Sergeant Major Michael Berg had the army psyops Humvees play the Marine Corps hymn over their loudspeakers while he cut a slice of pound cake from an MRE and presented it to the youngest Marine. As he did so, insurgents fired a brace of RPGs.

"Shut those bastards up!" Berg yelled.

Over two hundred rifles and machine guns blazed away for several seconds.

"Cease fire!" Berg yelled.

The battlefield went silent.

"That's more like it," Berg said. "Continue with the ceremony."

"How your heart feels..."

"How your heart feels..."

For about five weeks, my husband has been back on United States soil. I am overjoyed to have him back in the country. While I only get to see him on weekends currently, it is much better than months and months of nothing at all. And it's been a while since I've written as a result of all of the recent changes and chaos. I have a number of posts started, but none quite finished. Not yet.

With all that said, however, it is a particularly hard time of year with the two of us.

October 2004 began the sad and painful combat operations for the infantrymen of 1stBattalion 3rd Marines. It was the beginning of when things went south for the Marines, and by extension, their families.

My husband and I just had a conversation about the cluster-fuck that ensued when the combat operations for 1/3 got fully underway. I told him that this is a 10-month period of my life that I still have not gathered a fully-developed understanding of. It's still only a partially developed overview in my mind, with many gaps and missing pieces. Perhaps it was the fact that I was a mere 20-years-old when he left for this deployment (barely 20, at that), or perhaps it was the lack of information that was afforded to the families of the company, who knows...

Based on that statement to my love, it reminded me of the numerous town-hall meetings my friends (fellow 1/3 wives) and I attended at the Marine Corps Base Hawaii (MCBH) base chapel to, supposedly, update us on the deployment direction and operations. These were mostly just haphazard sessions in which we would ask GySgt. Florendo (our equivalent of the current Family Readiness Officer, but GySgt. Florendo came from 3rd Marine Regiment as the battalion level folks were, of course, in Iraq) a bunch of questions, that he could not answer.

In one town-hall meeting in particular, we were given forms in which we were directed to choose someone we felt would help make any notification of death easier, a friend to accompany the CACO and/or Chaplain Brown and Col. Patterson to our homes to tell us our husbands had been killed-in-action. At 20, how can one make a non-dramatic decision here? How can anyone make one? I sat there with Judy. Judy and Joleene were my routine party for such depressing and disappointing events. I tried to wrap my still-somewhat-teenager brain around this and the severity of such decisions. It was poignant. Having just completed another deployment with my husband serving in the war again, we had no such forms (likely indicating the subdued nature of the war) or monumental decisions to make.

As I sat there with Judy, looking over the form, I turned to Judy and asked "Judy, would you be my person?" Judy hugged me and said "Of course I would." This is indicative of the kind of friendship Judy and I had. I believe Joleene was there, too. But it may have been one of the nights she worked over at Hickam AFB or had class at Leeward Community College. I cannot remember for certain anymore.

So, asking yourself, how do you decide who of your close-friends to ask to be present during such an incredibly awful time? We didn't really know the nature of what we were going to be subject to, we didn't really know what was going to happen come November. But regardless of what was to come, what was current was terrifying enough and put the heaviness of the decision into perspective.

You visualize the scenario mentally; you've seen it in the movies.
Two alpha-clad Marines walk the steps to your front door and knock, you crumble upon eye-sight -- not having them say a word, because just seeing them is enough to let you know.

It is just like it is in the movies. I've seen it first hand.

On 26 January 2005, we lost 31 Marines in a CH53E Super Stallion helicopter crash. As circumstance would have it, I happened to be at the house of one of the wives who lost their Marine in crash. Sharon was friends with this wife, and I was friends with Sharon. After we received word that one of our helicopters had gone down enroute to Al Anbar, Sharon used her "connections" to find out who was among the casualties and found out one of her friends was amongst the new widows. I am not going to use her name, out of respect of her privacy and appreciation for the kind, strong, and enduring person she is. Fortunate for me, I found that my husband was not on board, but several of his friends were, including one of his closest friends during the deployment: LCpl. Darrell Schumann. This is a story for another day, though.

Sharon, under the guise of wanting to visit, had me drive her over to this wife's house to hang out. Sharon wanted me to stay with her for awhile, and Sharon had planned to stay the night at her friend's house, in an effort to be present with her when the CACO came in the morning. However, Sharon had forgotten her cell-phone charger and wanted me to run by her house in the morning and grab it to bring over to her. I said I would and got up early to run after it, hoping to beat the CACO to the wife's house, as I didn't know this girl particularly well (except for the plethora of wonderful things I had been told about her since arriving on island in late 2003) and I didn't think she wanted a virtual stranger there during her most personal and saddening moment in her short 22 years of age. Unfortunately, I didn't make it. I got there, walked up to the door and knocked. When the door opened, there were the two CACO in their alphas, tears abounding and my horror that I had interrupted such an intimate moment. I was heartbroken. I apologize profusely, wishing that Sharon had texted me to let me know that the CACO was there and not to come yet (she knew I was enroute to her place on base). The whole scene could've been something out of a WWII movie. The brokenhearted widow, the two CACO Marines and the infant baby on the living room floor, now without her father having never met him to begin with. It was a scene I will not soon forget, and it continues to resonate when I think back on that time. My heart continues to break for all of those young women. These women were portraits of strength and resilience.

So, while I am grateful that I have my husband still, I have not forgotten the sacrifice of those who lost. And I strive to learn more everyday about that period of my life and that of my husband's, I want to fill that nearly-year-long-absence of him with the knowledge and events that were really taking place. Understanding all of those events are what help me rationalize and make sense of the tragedy and suffering that continues on with the loss and terror of that time.

And I remember what happened during those harrowing months. I have not forgotten. I remember the sacrifice of those Marines, and I remember the sacrifice of their families. With the fifth anniversary of Phantom Fury's D-Day approaching quickly, learn about the battle, learn about the Marines, learn about the ones who loved those Marines and pay tribute to their willingness to serve -- so some of us do not have to. Regardless of which side of the war you are on, we can all appreciate that much.

In an email to the families of 1stBN, 3rdMAR from 15 September 2004, then 1stSgt Eriksson said the following:

I am proud to tell you all that in my 20yrs in the Marine Corps that these are the finest Marines that I have served with. They truly care about what they are doing, and why they are here.
Please continue to support them.

Thank you for your time,

FIRST SERGEANT R. E. ERIKSSON
31ST MEU, BLT 1ST BN 3D MARINES

The Fight for Fallujah

The Military Channel put together an excellent documentary on the battles for Fallujah. The documentary is called "The Fight for Fallujah" and covers Operation Vigilant Resolve as well as Operation Phantom Fury.

Please watch it...

http://military.discovery.com/tv/fallujah/fallujah.html

(More from me will be coming soon)

"Where Am I?"

"Where am I?"

There were so many moments when we didn't know if our husbands were alive or dead, when we knew that 1/3 Marines were dying, but we didn't know who. No one could know who was KIA until next-of-kin was notified. This could take up to 24 hours.

You pace your home, peer out the windows -- watching for that government-plated vehicle and Alpha-clad Marines walking up your steps -- obsessively watch CNN, because a CNN reporter is embedded with your husband's unit. Refresh the DoD Releases website to see who it was...if it wasn't your husband, could it have been one of your dear friends? You can't breathe a sigh of relief, even after you see the names and don't recognize them, this time.

There isn't any relief that "it wasn't you," because it was one of yours, it was someone fighting the same cause the love of your life is. They're all brothers, and even with the bickering, or slap-talk, you see the love when it comes down to it. And the loss of one breaks the hearts of every person tied to the unit. However, none more so than the immediate family of said Marine.

Everyday is scary, and every night is scarier. You have dreams that you can see what is happening over there,  your imagination running rampant and taking over, that you are seeing the horrific things your husband is seeing. Stop sleeping.

Watch the sun rise and set for five days.  Talk to your friend from Germany, because it's daytime for her, when it's 3:00AM for you.

Call your doctor, tell him that you are breaking down and haven't slept in "x" amount of days.
Doctor sends you to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist puts you on Trazodone to calm you down enough to sleep at nights.

You have nightmares about what he's going through, like it's a movie you're watching in horror.
You wake up. Turn on CNN, check the DoD releases, and start the process all over again.

No matter how busy I was, this was my life.  All encompassing, almost like I was existing in an alternate universe and I was numb.

"I've been meaning to write."

"I've been meaning to write."

And unfortunately, things have gotten a bit hectic. Good hectic, though.

More will come soon.

"How can a body withstand this?"

To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it,
And everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
Your throat filled with you, its tropical heat,
Thickening the air, heavy as water,
More fit for gills than lungs;
When grief weights you like your own flesh,
Only more of it, an obesity of grief,
You think, 'How can a body withstand this?'
Then you hold life like a face,
Between your palms, a plain face,
No charming smile, or violet eyes,
and you say, 'Yes, I will take you, I will love you again.'

- Ellen Bass

"As we're escaping, ghosts of the past sleep lightly, so mind the floor boards."

"As we're escaping, ghosts of the past sleep lightly, so mind the floor boards."

From an article in the Honolulu Advertiser:
"An eight-month deployment that was never supposed to leave the Pacific took the Hawai`i-based Marines instead to Iraq and the worst corner in the war on terror - Fallujah."

The article below is about a friend of Casey's, Maher. Casey told me recently that there is a boy he sees in the chow hall sometimes who looks so much like Maher, this Marine could be Sean's twin.

Although he has called present-day Iraq a "vacation," of course in comparison to Iraq in 2004- early 2005, Iraq today is a vacation, I have to wonder what kind of memories are drudged up for him on a daily basis.

Even more, he's back at the same place where the helicopter crash happened and Darrell was lost (amongst his other friends, but Darrell being his closest). I did not know the helicopter went down so close to CKV until just a couple weeks ago. Worse yet, I didn't know 1/3 had the memorial at CKV. I have to wonder how it felt for him to come back there after the time away...after everything that happened.

Awhile back, I tried to look Fallujah up on Google Maps and it didn't come up (not the satellite imagery, anyway). I tried again a moment ago and everything is there. Highway 10 shows up like a beacon, as well as the clover area where the friendly fire incident previously mentioned happened.

My thoughts are so jumbled, and mixed up when it comes to this time. I have flashbacks of making stockings for Casey and I during the holidays, even though there was no chance of him being home for the holidays (even at the beginning of the deployment I knew that, but it was our first holiday season married). Or I remember getting a call after weeks of not hearing from Casey at Wal-Mart and dancing in the isles because I was so happy to hear from him.

Or sitting on the floor of my bedroom for hours just staring out the windows. I hadn't slept that night, and CNN was blaring in the living room. This was at the height of the battle. I hadn't been able to talk to Casey since several days prior. So many people can remove themselves from others' pain, but I am not one of them. It is either a curse or a blessing. It makes me compassionate, but causes me pain. Knowing that these men were fighting, being forced to take lives, being scared for themselves and their brothers, it was all encompassing for me. But no one more than the Marines themselves, of course.

(photo credit Associated Press)
U.S. Marines line up during a memorial service for 31 servicemen at Camp Korean Village, near Ar Rutbah, western Iraq.

From Casey, 10 December 2004 via USPS:
Right now I am in a building in downtown Fallujah. 1/3 is moving into this area and building a firm base. It never fails, every time I write you, we get incoming. I'm back. All the rounds hit outside the firmbase, so on one was hurt.
I really hate this place.

___________________________________________

Hawai`i Marine dies in ambush
Illinois native, killed near Fallujah, was to leave Iraq in 2 days
BY WILLIAM COLE, Advertiser Military Writer
Fallujah has snatched the life of another Hawai`i Marine, just two days before he was scheduled to leave Iraq. 

Lance Cpl. Sean P. Maher, 19, of Grayslake, Ill., was killed Wednesday in an ambush just outside the city that in November saw some of the fiercest fighting of the war.
"He was driving a Humvee. He was the driver and it was at night, and they were ambushed by small-arms fire," said his aunt, Pam Colin, who was at the Mahers' home in Grayslake yesterday.
Colin said the family was told another Marine also was killed in the firefight, described as a bloody skirmish in the city where so many U.S. service members have died. 

The Pentagon yesterday had not identified the second Marine, and Marine Corps Base Hawai`i at Kane`ohe Bay had no information on a second casualty. 

When the Mahers learned their son was not among 26 Hawai`i-based Marines and a sailor killed in the Jan. 26 crash of a CH-53E helicopter in western Iraq, they breathed a sigh of relief.
The young Marine, who graduated from high school in 2003 and arrived in Hawai`i in February 2004, was excited to finally be leaving Iraq. 

"He wanted out of that hellhole - were his words," Colin said. 

Instead, Dan Maher opened his door on Thursday to a lieutenant colonel and a gunnery sergeant, who caught the Marine's father as he nearly fell to the floor, she said.
Sean Maher, a high school football player who also was on the swim and track teams, joined the Marines after he saw the invasion of Iraq on TV in March 2003, his aunt said. He reported to San Diego five months later, and trained at Camp Pendleton to become a mortarman.
"His mother did ask him if he had any doubts about (being a Marine), and she said there was silence for a moment and he told her, `No Mom, I have none. I'm doing what I want to do.' "
For the Marine Corps base, Maher's death was still more bad news. 

Besides the helicopter crash that killed 26 Marines with the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, eight were killed in a suicide car-bomb attack on Oct. 30. Eleven others have been killed in Iraq - almost all in Fallujah. About 1,000 Hawai`i Marines deployed to Iraq in September.
Maher's death brings to 78 the number of service members with Hawai`i ties who have been killed in Iraq, Afghanistan or Kuwait since the Iraq war started nearly two years ago. 

"It feels almost like you are surrounded by (death)," said Sarah Carter, whose husband, Lance Cpl. Joshua Carter, is with the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment stationed here, but who is in Okinawa. "Every time you start to move on to a different stage of grieving, you're brought face to face with yet another death, and you start the process all over again." 

The Armed Services YMCA, which created a fund for the families of Marines who died in the helicopter crash, has collected about $5,000, and has about $3,000 in a fund for wounded Marines. 

Like the 1/3 Marines who died in the helicopter crash, Maher was a veteran of house-to-house fighting in Fallujah in November. 

The Pentagon said 71 U.S. soldiers and Marines were killed in Fallujah, and 450 were wounded. Officials estimated more than 1,200 insurgents were killed. The Mahers knew Sean had close calls, but didn't know the details. 

"We never got that from him," Colin said. "What he told me was, Aunt Pam, `I've seen the whites, I have seen the enemies' eyes,' and that's about all we wanted to know."
She said the family is "doing as well as can be expected." Maher's older brother, Danny, 22, is in the Navy and is based in San Diego. He was being flown home by the Marines to be with family. 

At Warren Township High School in Illinois, where Maher was well known, and his 16-year-old sister, Katie, is a student, counselors were called in Thursday. 

Maher loved living in Hawai`i, loved to surf, and was planning on teaching his sister after stops in Kuwait and Okinawa before arriving back here, his aunt said. His parents also were planning on meeting him here. 

Colin said the family has differing views on the war, "and that really hasn't been discussed, so it's really good to just leave that part of it alone."
Reach William Cole at wcole@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-5459.

"This is for the white in your eyes."

"This is for the white in your eyes."

Because of the holidays and the intensity of fighting still through the month of December, a memorial service wasn't held by the regiment until January for the Marines we were losing. We had one in November for those lost through that time. This one in January was for those lost since. I always sat with a few of my close friends at these. My two closest friends, Judy and Joleene, couldn't be there that day, so it was just me.

We only got to honor a few of the Marines that we lost that day. We had a memorial service in November for 12 (I believe) others that we lost prior. The memorial services tore your heart out. Our regimental commander, Col. Jeffrey Patterson, was a truly amazing man. The Corps hadn't hardened him over the years. He was still a person. He stood up there before us each time we had a service, knowing he was talking to widows and fatherless children, spouses of Marines still in danger, and each time he delivered an amazing speech, touching each and every one of us. He once referred to the Marines in 1/3 as "Jedi in green."

When I entered the base theater for this one, I knew I was going alone -- so I was relieved to see Tia. We sat together, held hands as Chaplain Brown led us in prayer, and internally thanked God and every other imaginable deity that our husbands had survived, thus far. To most, this won't make sense, but there were times I wished Casey would get hurt so that he could go to a hospital and be safe. I would wish he'd break a limb, or something that would incapacitate him short term because of my overwhelming fear of losing him. Of course, reflecting on it afterward, it seems so silly and irrational. But in the midst of weeks without talking to him, relying on the news for any information on him and his unit, and watching as Marine after Marine died...the heart has a way of invalidating any semblance of reason the mind may hold.

Tears formed in Col. Patterson's eyes as he recounted his interactions with the families of the Marines memorial was paid to at this service. He choked up and paused several times while talking about LCpl. Downey, amongst others.

Aaron, the Marine in the photo below, was a good friend of Casey and me. One night, when I was feeling especially low, Casey called him to come spend some time with me. This was only a short time of 1/3 left the island. I had no friends or people to keep me company. I spent most of the days on the phone with my family and my best friend, trying to keep my social skills in tact and feel like I wasn't entirely alone. Thank goodness for Aaron.

We had talked on the phone a few times afterward, but I had gained a few friends on the island by that point and wasn't as needy as I was in July. Aaron proved to be a remarkable friend to Casey and me both. I was so relieved to see a tried and true friend at the memorial service that day, someone who knew my husband and knew how much I loved him and knew how hard it was for me to be without him. Aaron knew how scared I was, I think he was scared for them too. Aaron was originally with 1/3. He was fapped to 2/3 before 1/3 deployed. Casey and Aaron were in the same platoon together for a long time. Aaron's brothers were dying and in danger. I never asked, largely in an effort to avoid striking a nerve, but I think it was hard for Aaron to not be with our guys. I think it was even harder for him to attend the memorial services and see our Marines dying, his fellow Marines dying, and not being able to do anything.

I understand I was not and am not in the Corps. I was so young when he left, and when he came back I was an adult. In ten months, I aged five years. The people that I met during my time as a 1/3 spouse, the ones that kept me from myself, will always have a special place in Casey and my lives.

These were the days that reminded us that we were not immune from the tragedy and the level of fighting that was affecting each and every one of our Marines, at anytime that CACO could be on our front step.

And this memorial service was just 13 days before the helicopter crash.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

Friday, January 14, 2005

THE WAR IN IRAQ

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CRAIG T. KOJIMA / CKOJIMA@STARBULLETIN.COM Leis draped the portraits of 10 soldiers killed in Iraq during yesterday's memorial service at the Marine Corps Base Hawaii at Kaneohe.

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10 soldiers are remembered for
paying the ultimate price

By Diana Leone
dleone@starbulletin.com

As more than 800 Kaneohe Marines solemnly honored 10 comrades killed in Iraq since Nov. 8, Col. Jeffrey Patterson reminded them that "freedom isn't free."
"In fact, it's so precious, it cost the lives of these 10 brave men," the commanding officer of the 3rd Marine Regiment told the fatigue-clad, close-shaven Marines in the Marine Corps Base Hawaii auditorium.
Nearby on a stage, 10 sets of boots, rifles and helmets sat behind a large photograph of each man, draped with a purple orchid lei.
Patterson also thanked wounded Marines and sailors who were in the audience. Some of them just recently returned from Iraq.
"The Bible says that no greater love has man than to lay down his life for his brother. The Marines and sailor whose pictures you see on this stage exemplify that," Patterson said.
A total of 19 soldiers, one sailor, 17 Marines and one civilian with Hawaii ties have been killed in Iraq since the war started in March 19, 2003. Of the 38 deaths in Iraq, 35 were due to hostile action.

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CRAIG T. KOJIMA / CKOJIMA@STARBULLETIN.COM Crystal Hines, whose husband, Cpl. Casey Hines, is currently in Iraq, wept on the shoulder of Cpl. Aaron Green.

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Beyond the common denominator of giving their lives for their comrades, each of the fallen honored yesterday was unique, Patterson added. He and other Marines who served with the fallen offered tidbits about each:
» Lance Cpl. Jeffery Blanton, 23, of Fayetteville, Ga., was married to an Army soldier who was serving in Afghanistan at the time of his death in Iraq. "I guess you can say serving your country was a family affair," Patterson said, acknowledging Amber Blanton in the audience. "I want to thank you for being here."
» Lance Cpl. Aaron Pickering, 20, of Marion, Ill., nicknamed "Slick" for evading trouble, was a former all-state golfer who learned the game from his mother. Cpl. Scott Gatto praised Pickering as "a religious man" who encouraged the reading of Psalm 91 before each mission and spoke highly of his family.
» Cpl. Michael Cohen, 23, of Jacobus, Pa., told his mother he loved Hawaii and wanted to stay here and study to be a nurse or medical technician after his Marine service.
» Lance Cpl. David Branning, 21, of Cockesville, Md., was a talented visual arts student.
» Lance Cpl. Brian Medina, 20, of Woodbridge, Va., liked to share the latest hip-hop moves with fellow Marines but had an intense desire to serve his country. "To me he was the kind of person that legends were made of," Lance Cpl. Michael Erdman said.
» Lance Cpl. Michael Downey, 21, of Phoenix died at Bethesda Naval Hospital, 11 days after being shot by a sniper's bullet, with his parents by his side. "His mother told me that he loved being a Marine, that he loved our way of life," Patterson said, breaking down in tears.
» Lance Cpl. Franklin Sweger, 24, of San Antonio loved the science of chemistry and wanted to become a chemist.
» Petty Officer 3rd Class Julian Woods, 22, of Jacksonville, Fla., wanted to be a Marine but joined the Navy out of respect for his father being a career Navy man. When assigned as a medical corpsman for the Marines, Woods told his mother it was "the best of both worlds." He left behind a 3-year-old daughter named Israel.
» Lance Cpl. Blake Magaoay, 20, of Pearl City was a local boy who loved surfing and the outdoors and who returned to battle in Fallujah twice after being wounded. "His family said his heart was as big as all outdoors," Patterson said, "and I will tell you that heart is shared by every member of his family and that the apple didn't fall very far from the tree."
» Sgt. Rafael Peralta, 25, of San Diego was a Mexican immigrant who enlisted the day he received his green card, and earned U.S. citizenship while in the Marines. After Fallujah insurgents shot him in the face as he entered a room, Peralta smothered a grenade blast with his body, thereby saving others in his squad and earning recommendation for a Medal of Honor.

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CRAIG T. KOJIMA / CKOJIMA@STARBULLETIN.COM Somber U.S. Marines attended a memorial service yesterday at Marine Corps Base Hawaii at Kaneohe for 10 soldiers with Hawaii ties killed in Iraq.

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"History is full of battles that changed the course of the world," Patterson said, citing Gettysburg in the Civil War and the landing at Inchon in the Korean War as examples.
"I believe the Battle of Fallujah (in November) will go down in history as one that helped turn the tide in the war against terrorism," he said. "The bravery of these Marines inspired many Iraqis to stand up to the terrorists."
Lance Cpl. Cody Alt permanently lost vision in his left eye and was wounded in the leg during fighting in Fallujah. "It's a small price I paid for freedom," he said after yesterday's service. "These guys gave the ultimate price."
Said Master Sgt. Lloyd Williams after the service: "I think it's important that we remember these guys. We're all brothers. It's very important for Marines to see this type of ceremony. It hits home that we are there -- in Iraq -- and reality is hitting."

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The U.S. soldiers honored yesterday

» Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering: 20, of Marion, Ill., died Nov. 10 as a result of enemy action in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Navy Petty Officer 3rd Class Julian Woods: 22, of Jacksonville, Fla., killed Nov. 10 in Fallujah. Assigned as hospital corpsman to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Lance Cpl. David M. Branning: 21, of Cockesville, Md., killed Nov. 12 in Fallujah. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina, 20, of Woodbridge, Va., killed Nov. 12 in Fallujah. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe. (No photo available.)
» Sgt. Rafael Peralta: 25, of San Diego, killed Nov. 15 in Fallujah. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey: 21, of Phoenix died Nov. 19 at National Naval Medical Center, Bethesda, Md., from wounds received in enemy action Nov. 11 in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Assigned to the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment from the Combat Engineer Battalion in Okinawa, Japan. (No photo available.)
» Cpl. Michael R. Cohen: 23, of Jacobus, Pa., killed Nov. 22 in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Lance Cpl. Blake A. Magaoay: 20, of Pearl City, killed Nov. 29 in Fallujah. Assigned to 1st Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, 1st Marine Division in Camp Pendleton, Calif., but attached to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines during the battle for Fallujah.
» Lance Cpl. Jeffery S. Blanton: 23, of Fayetteville, Ga., died Dec. 12 as a result of enemy action in Al Anbar province. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.
» Lance Cpl. Franklin A. Sweger: 24, of San Antonio died Dec. 16 as a result of enemy action in Al Anbar province. Assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines in Kaneohe.

1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment
www.mcbh.usmc.mil/3mar/1dbn/1-3%20INDEX.htm
Marine Corps Base Hawaii
www.mcbh.usmc.mil

6 November 2004

Posted on: Saturday, November 6, 2004

10,000 U.S. troops to retake city
By Jim Krane
Associated Press Writer

NEAR FALLUJAH, Iraq — Long convoys of American soldiers and Marines rolled onto a dust-blown base on the outskirts of Fallujah today and U.S. warplanes intensified attacks in preparation for a major assault on the city that has come to symbolize Iraqi resistance.

After months of negotiations, more than 10,000 American troops were massed for an expected offensive, and Iraq's prime minister warned the "window is closing" to avert an attack. U.S. planes dropped five 500-pound bombs at several targets in Fallujah early today, as well as leaflets urging women and children to leave the city.

The U.S. military said the main highway into Fallujah has now been completely sealed off. As pressure mounted on the guerrilla stronghold, the insurgents struck back, killing one U.S. soldier and wounding five in a rocket attack. Clashes were reported at other checkpoints around the city and in the east and north of Fallujah late in the day.

Among the massed American troops are about 1,000 Marines of the 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment from Kane'ohe. They lost seven of their own last weekend when a suicide bomber drove an explosives-laden SUV into their convoy, killing eight Marines and wounding nine.

"They're ready to go," Staff Sgt. Jason Benedict of Bravo Company, who suffered burns on his left arm in the attack, said on Wednesday. "I'm ready to get back in with them."

The assault is expected to be a bloody one, and the combat hospital on the chief U.S. base near Fallujah has set up a morgue and doubled its medical staff.

The hospital — a low concrete building announced by a sign saying "Cheaters of Death" — added a Marine Mortuary Affairs team last month, a unit charged with identifying dead troops, cataloguing their personal effects and preparing their bodies for the flight to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware.

In hospital parlance, those killed in action are known as angels. In last weekend's suicide bombing, the dead and wounded came to the hospital. "We took care of angels and wounded on that one," said Commander Lach Noyes, a Navy surgeon. The hospital's daily toil is grim. Patients arrive with devastating wounds. Common procedures include amputations or stabilizing broken bones or torn organs.

"The first patient I had was six hours after I got here," said Capt. Eric Lovell, a Navy doctor. "His heart was out of his chest."

Like Benedict, many of the Marines still recovering said they were eager to rejoin their units and hoped to fight in the assault on Fallujah.

"I'm nervous for them, but I know for a fact they're going to tear the place to pieces," Lance Cpl. Nicholas Peel said on Wednesday. "It's kind of a justice after what they did to us."

Dennis Astor, a Navy medic attached to Bravo Company, was thrown clear of the truck during the suicide bombing and knocked unconscious. He suffered burns on his hands and face, and a shrapnel wound to his forehead.

"I don't think I'm really going to make it to the big battle because my wounds really aren't healing that fast," he said on Wednesday. "I'm kind of disappointed. Those are my friends."

If they fight, American troops will face an estimated 3,000 insurgents dug in behind defenses and booby traps. Military planners believe there are about 1,200 hardcore insurgents in Fallujah — at least half of them Iraqis. They are bolstered by cells with up to 2,000 fighters in the surrounding towns and countryside.

"A military operation is the last and only solution we have for the city of Fallujah," said Salih Kuzaie, a spokesman for the Defense Ministry yesterday. "The negotiations failed. ... It seemed like the Fallujah people are helping the terrorists. Thus, the military solution will end the crisis."

A source close to Prime Minister Ayad Allawi, who was scheduled to return last night to Iraq from a diplomatic trip to Europe, said there is no longer any point to the negotiations. Allawi must give the final go-ahead for the offensive, part of a campaign to curb the insurgency ahead of national elections planned for January. Sunni clerics have threatened to boycott the election if Fallujah is attacked, and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan has warned U.S., British and Iraqi authorities that a military campaign and "increased insurgent violence" could put elections at risk. Allawi has demanded Fallujah hand over foreign extremists, including Jordanian terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his followers, and allow government troops to enter the city.

"We intend to liberate the people and to bring the rule of law to Fallujah," Allawi said in Brussels after meeting with European Union leaders. "The window really is closing for a peaceful settlement."

Allawi, a secular Shiite Muslim with strong ties to the CIA and State Department, urged Europeans leaders to forge a "close and strategic partnership" with Iraq and called on NATO to step up plans to train 1,000 officers a year for the Iraqi military. EU leaders responded with a nearly $40 million offer to fund elections, including training for Iraqi vote monitors.

The Los Angeles Times and Washington Post contributed to this report.

"There's a flutter in my chest."

"There's a flutter in my chest."

In the beginning, there was so much conflicting information. We didn't have any idea what was going on. This article, which was featured in Hawaii Marine, just added to our confusion.

1/3 strikes from the sea with 31st MEU

Marine Corps News

Submitted by: MCB Camp Butler
Story Identification #: 200471502846
Story by Lance Cpl. Joel Abshier

CAMP HANSEN, OKINAWA, Japan - (July 13, 2004) -- More than 1,000 Marines and sailors with 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment from Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii, arrived Okinawa for a six-month Unit Deployment Program tour as the battalion landing team for the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit.

The infantrymen will be joined by artillerymen, amphibious assault and light armored vehicles to serve as the ground combat element for the 31st MEU.

"The Marines and sailors are expected not only to train hard, but also to be ready to form a combat-ready cohesive warfighting team as a part of the 31st MEU," said Lt. Col. Michael R. Ramos, commanding officer.

The Marines and sailors of BLT 1/3 were on Okinawa from April to Nov. 2003, as part of a previous UDP tour where they participated in exercises throughout Asia. From training at the Jungle Warfare Training Center on Camp Gonsalves to training in the blistering terrain at Mount Fuji, the Marines and sailors of BLT 1/3 are preparing themselves for combat, Ramos explained.

"Our great nation is at war and has been since Sept. 11, 2001," Ramos said. "This war has placed great demand on Marines and sailors, and this battalion landing team is well prepared to fulfill any duty given to us."

Within a week of being on Okinawa, the unit has not taken a break from training. Going through the gas chamber and achieving their battle sight zeros on Camp Schwab's rifle range, the servicemembers are aggressively training, said Maj. Adin M. Pfeuffer, operations officer.

"If BLT 1/3 goes to a combat zone, I will feel comfortable because of the training and the Marines in my unit," said Lance Cpl. Kentrell J. Allen, bulk fuel specialist. "I trust the men next to me, which makes us a family."

Ramos said his Marines and sailors want to do their part for their country.

"They have been preparing themselves for a long time to reach this moment in achieving combat readiness," Ramos said. "BLT 1/3 did not come here to go the Post Exchange, the base theater, to enter ourselves into a softball tournament, or to eat yakisoba. We came here because Okinawa is on the way to Iraq."

"These are just moments. I struggle with the in-betweens."

"These are just moments. I struggle with the in-betweens."

On my way out of Honolulu for the 2004 holidays, I grabbed a Marine Corps Times to read on the flight home. It was Thanksgiving Day, 2004.
HNL to PDX.

I hadn't been able to speak to my love in quite sometime. In the meantime, this incident had happened.

Sadly, it was our own that caused the scare. A US Army artillery unit responded to illumination rounds being fired from the 81mm POS with a battery of howitzers. I have been informed that a battery of howitzers is typically three, and that in a counter-battery response, it is a three round fire for effect of each gun. An estimated ten rounds were fired. Casey told of grabbing his flak and throwing it over his head and crawling into a pit.

One of our dearest friends told me that for the longest time afterward, he would have a panic attack when he would go off to pee. A break to relieve himself is what saved his life. He was sleeping just before the fire. Where he was sleeping was torn to shreds by the rounds; where his head laid was just scraps of fabric left over. Where Casey and other Marines were, pieces of howitzer shells were scattered. Huge scraps of metal resembling a crudely crafted steak knife...

Many Marines in the platoon were injured from the incident, some severely. One of the injured was the platoon commander, Lt. Hollopeter.

It could have been infinitely worse. And it was sad that it was some of our own that dealt the blow. I just have to wonder why no one checked for friendlies in the area before sending counter-battery. That question remains unanswered all these years later. There a many other questions that still remain unanswered, this one is unfortunately low on the list.

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain."

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain."

After we realized what was really going on, and where the Marines were really heading, it was hard to hide the fear -- from our husbands and each other. I remember reading a letter from him that documented their entrance into Iraq. Bear in mind, Iraq in 2004 was not remotely similar to present day Iraq. This is Iraq just after Operation Vigilant Resolve failed. For those unfamiliar, Vigilant Resolve was the preemptive effort made by coalition forces (including infantry Marines and Army) to stabilize the city of Fallujah after the American Blackwater contractors were brutally murdered and dismembered by an angry Fallujah-mob, and then strung from a bridge in the city. I say preemptive because the outcry from the American public seemed to have tied the hands of our government, we were not ready to go in when we did. We were not prepared. And that is ultimately why we failed. However, Fallujah had not seen the last of the infantry side of the United States Marines. A few months later and we called a rematch.

In this letter, Casey describes the eery feeling as their convoy crossed the border from Kuwait in Iraq. The orange-red glow and dusty horizon. He describes the ominous feeling their arrival has...and this is before anyone hears of Al-Fajr.

His first call home after entering Iraq was terrifying. The call quality was terrible, but better than when he was on the Essex (the Essex is a ship that is part of the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit, which 1st BN, 3rd MAR was the main composition of during 2004-2005). In the background, I could hear some god awful noises, noises I didn't recognize. I asked him what was going on, and he indicated they take incoming fire everyday. That was what I was hearing. The last time, it was really loud. The phones cut out. I knew he was fine, deep down, but hearing incoming fire as I am talking to the love of my life was incredibly terrifying.

"The connection was so bad, and I couldn't talk at all during most of the call. How terrible it is when you say I love you and the person at the other end shouts back 'what?'"
- JD Salinger

Despite how rough it was in the battle to begin with, there are always others who strive to make it worse for their peers. Because of the gossiping nature of...everyone, it was no secret to my love's comrades of our "issues." Much to my dismay, this seemed to prove fodder for certain immature ones. One Marine in particular really irritated me, going out of his way to be ridiculous to Casey and others (watching pornographic movies loudly in the hooch just to be obnoxious, etc.) and after their return, I gave this Marine the cold shoulder and did my very best to let him know what I thought of him. Ultimately, he apologized, several times, in drunken rhetoric and indicated he wished he had someone to write him and love him while he was suffering over there, in the way that Casey had with me. While it was vindication for myself (Casey is not the jealous or bitter type), it also made me painfully sad for Jonathan. I wondered how many others would've been better had they had love (even dysfunctional love) and someone who would do anything to get them home.

Going through old letters reminds me of so much. I just read a letter from Casey talking about one of the lance corporals in his platoon who he really liked back then. His name was Kaplan, and he suffered from anxiety like I do (mine is related to severe ADHD, which we didn't find out until a few years later, but anxiety is unfortunate in any case). Kaplan really helped Casey understand the frustrations and hardships associated with anxiety and how it can compound an already difficult situation. One day in November, out of the blue, Kaplan called me to chat. I forgot about the conversation completely, but now that I am reminded, he was such a great kid. I wonder how he's doing, post-Fallujah. A boy as nice as that is usually eaten alive by the Corps...

From Casey 20 November 2004 via USPS:
It is prayer time for the people over here. They pray five times a day over loud speakers at the mosques. It sounds really good when they sing. It is always really mellow and soothing. But the night of the attack, they were yelling and it sounded demonic. It was kind of scary. It was like world war III when we stormed through Fallujah. It was surely a once in a lifetime experience, and I am glad that it was a once lifetime kind of thing...

From Casey, 28 November 2004 via USPS:
I have to look at my watch to see what day of the week or month it is. All the days run together. I don't even know how long we have been out here. It's starting to come up on a month straight. We really have no word on when we are getting out of here. Only that it is soon. Hopefully. The days all run together, the only mental concept I have of time is whether the sun is up or down. I can't wait to come home. I just want to be with you.